One thing I learned in this life (from a supervisor at work) is that everything in life is hindsight. Yep. That's about as real as it gets. Do we all do things we regret, or classify as a wow, what was I thinking moment? Of course. Sometimes things never go as we wish, or like. It is just the way life is. Sometimes I think about God, or something of that nature. I question... is it God? or is it "just because it is" like... why we are here? I consider myself spiritual. I didn't grow up in a spiritual or God like home. What actually led me to God, was illness. It's a crazy thing. If not for that, I may not be alive and who I am today. I was on the wrong road and needed a permanent like recovery. Let's hope.
I had no guidance. I lived with Grandparents. It's funny how you can try to steer clear of your parents and end up somewhat like them anyway, or more than you want. It is genetics if you ask me. It also can be a learned behavior. I still try to steer clear of things and even took breaks, years away from toxic relations that did change over time and became fresh again. More respect this time around. Things hopefully have changed. This is one thing with my family. I spent years away. Finally one day, unfortunately, cancer snuck in and I was contacted. In my heart I had always wish for different with family, but when you are threatened or treated like trash- something has to give somewhere or you are just a controlled zombie. Strings attatched.
One psychatrist asked me "Have you ever had anyone you really loved?" or that "loved you" - he was talking women. Well, yes and no. I guess if someone is nice and we grew up with a maternal figure that was not so nice in those important developmental years- we could mistake niceness for something other than just being nice. This has happened to me. I realized this recently as I piece my life together day to day. I am "sorry to myself" as Alanis Morissette once wrote lyrics of a song. I also am sorry to others. Sometimes we burn away like comets from each other. Is it for life? Why was it just a season? Why are people fickle? I don't even like going to Walmart anymore because I experience such rude people too much. I say "excuse me" when I go by, and it's "silence". - or "thanks!" - silence. What is going on out there? Covid? I was brought up different, be polite.
Like I said, "sometimes you feel like a nut- sometimes you are.". Deeply misunderstood or your thoughts get away with themselves. Too many miscommunications in life and misunderstandings! Rant Over.
A little song for you here. "Seashell". A relationship song of sorts.
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